Someone recently said to me, “Nothing makes you doubt yourself like motherhood.” And it brought on a flood of tears that I have been holding in for two months now.
Don’t misunderstand me. I love being a mom. And I do believe I am good at it. It feels natural to me and I have always loved taking care of other people. Ever since I was a child I have been practicing being a mom. My favorite game to play was always “house”. I had more dolls than any other kind of toy. As a toddler, I enjoyed looking at babies so much that my grandma made me a “baby book”, which was essentially a photo album with pictures of babies cut from magazines.
But HOLY HELL does the doubt creep in when you become a mom! You start to question everything. Am I feeding her enough? Should I be establishing more of a routine? Am I holding/comforting/talking/playing with her enough? What’s wrong with her eye/ear/skin? Does she weigh enough? Is she developing normally? How will I do this all when I go back to work? Will she still love me as much when I’m not spending all day with her?
And then there’s the even BIGGER, DEEPER worries. Can I provide her a good, stable future? What if I can’t give her everything she needs? What the hell is going on in our world? With everything bad going on out there, should I have really brought this innocent little being into all this mess?
Kudos to all my friends that have done this before me. I now understand where your anxieties stem from. Because nothing does make you doubt yourself like motherhood. It’s true. I’ve had moments where my confidence has been shaken. I’ve felt like everything has been unraveling. I’ve worried that I’m doing it all wrong.
BUT then I hold my little girl. And I watch her sleeping so contently. Or I get her to smile by singing to her. And once again, I feel at peace. And I know that I may not be doing it all right. But I love her, and she loves me. And that feeling of love fills me up and inflates my confidence once again.
Photos from Hannah’s newborn photo shoot. Thanks once again to Samantha Makenzie Photograpy!